How Setting Goals Backfired Pt. 1
ft. aspirations from my 16-year old Self
I made my first 10-year plan when I was 16. I meticulously predicted each milestone I would cross with not 6 months of breathing room between each one. My “Master Life Plan”, I called it, was numerical from ages 16-26 with even further predictions to 31. Having reached the end of my life plan twice over, I wanted to reflect on the lessons I learned along the way.
But first - what did my 16-year old self picture for adulthood?
Ages 16-18
Finish high school and GTFO
Ages 18-22
Complete an undergraduate degree - and I did, right on time.
Live with my sibling and take public transport (the first time for a small-town gal)
A direct quote from my journal reads, “Do wicked awesome in school. Well done you!”
I waffled on transferring to another school mid-undergraduate degree and decided against it. It’s on my Life Plan as, “Transfer? Hmmm… Maybe for my Ph.D?”
Age 22
Another direct quote from 16-year old me, “Get hitched, yeah!”
I was utterly determined to get married and once again, I did it nearly on time. Engaged at 22, I was married by 23.
ISH (this is where I started to indicate the importance of the goal to me) If haven’t already, maybe transfer to another school?
FOR SURE Age 22-25
Complete a Master’s degree in unspecified profession - hadn’t a clue what my future beheld me at the time but I knew I wanted to be educated in it
As I called it then, “start the treacherous journey of the Master’s degree” - in hindsight, it wasn’t that bad
ISHER Age 25 & 28
Potentially maybe start having kids before, ahem, “the ovaries start to shrivel” as my younger self so eloquently put. Not surprisingly, these are the ages my mom had kids.
This is such an interesting dissonance because I also told my parents I wasn’t having children of my own when I was only 12 years old. I love that other people have desire to have children but I don’t. But I also evidently experienced the expectation that children should be desired by all, especially by women.
VAGUELY 28-31
Complete a Ph.D in an unspecified profession so you can be called Doctor - because that’s what it’s all about. This is obvious, in hindsight, letting the accolade cloud my actual desire.
It is hilariously naive of me to think a Ph.D could be completed in 4 years - I cherish my innocence about graduate studies.
At the end of this long list, is a PS “don’t forget to travel” but I did forget. At least, until now.
What I learned from this very rigid 10-year plan was that it doesn’t leave room for life to happen. It tries to control life like a slot machine, with no room for insight or change. I love my younger selves but a 16 year old should not be making the life choices for a 25 year old. This type of planning infuses the expectation of exactness - “it must happen in exactly the way I’ve pictured” and doesn’t allow for inspiration, let alone insight.
This type of planning snuffed out the Aliveness of life - it expected life to PERFORM for me and my expectations. I approached life to extract what I wanted out of it. But life is alive - it is an organism in which we can (and should) relate to. If we control what is meant to relate, the spirit of potential is lost. And it was.
The pressure of the pre-determined timeline impacted how I made my choices. For decisions like transferring schools, that I left more open, I was able to make an authentic choice when it came up naturally. It was a helpful prompt for me to consider where I was living and why, without the expectation I needed to make it happen or I was failing.
Marriage on the other hand, was an expectation that I would do and soon. Sure enough, not 6 months after graduating my undergraduate degree, I was engaged and 4 months later - married. There were so many factors leading to this decision (religious expectations being one - more on that later) but the self-expectation this is what I was “supposed” to do - the next step in a good, approvable life sealed the deal.