How to Set Boundaries

*and also keep the boundaries you set

Boundaries are an act of generous self-protection. In setting or not setting boundaries (the inaction is as loud as the action), we are communicating to our Selves how much we value our Selves.

By not setting boundaries, transgressing our own or others' limits, we communicate an expectation of violation.

Our Bodies need to anticipate we will protect them, much like communicating to our pets that we will protect them so they don't have to.

Boundaries communicate what we will tolerate and by how much. This can differ in the level of intimacy in the relationship, our personal capacity at the time and our intuition.

Impacts of Trauma

Boundaries rewrite trauma narratives that you are worthy of protecting. Boundaries can heal attachment wounds, where are needs weren't important and we can create conscious, corrective experiences.

When we've experienced trauma, we have experienced boundary-lessness and enmeshment. We may not know who or how we are without Others, or where we end others being.

The thing is, we have to know our needs to advocate for them.

When our “no” hasn’t been respected before, we can anticipate the violation and instead swallow our “no” to prevent the pain of violation. As noble as this coping strategy is, it ends up prolonging our suffering and creating unnecessary cycles of self-blame.

Developing boundaries creates opportunity for the conscious, corrective experience that our “no” can be respected - that we can be protected both by our Selves and by those around us. When boundaries are set, it internalizes a message of worthiness: that we are worth protecting.

Boundary Types

• Porous boundaries conflate their thoughts & preferences with others, overshare personal information, dependenton validation of others, afraid of rejection, long fuse

  • Codependency overly relies on the acceptance of others, even getting overly involved in the lives of others, trying to help at their expense

  • Disconnect of what they will and won't tolerate, between thought & action, allows disrespect

  • They would rather self-betray than potentially be rejected by an external Other

• Rigid boundaries keep people at a distance, don't ask for help, are typically private and are often detached from relationships

  • Counterdependency doesn't rely on anyone for anything and viscerally feels disgusting when they do have to ask

  • Once trust is lost, it is impossible to regain - easily cuts people out

  • Typically takes a long time to respond

Boundary Rules

#1 Respect the autonomous will of all Beings including your Self. This includes recognizing your personhood as a Person deserving of the same compassionate care you offer to others. You are a person. Other peoples boundaries aren't more important than your own and vice versa. Others won't treat us better than we treat our Selves - we teach people how to.

#2 We can become complicit in violating our own boundaries when we have experienced dehumanization or objectification from systems of oppression. We no longer see ourselves as human, so as an object, we can be used up without concern for our capacity. You are imperfect, fallible human person with limits to your capacity. That is not a moral nor a personal failure - it is a fact. (more on this in a moment)

• we violate our own boundaries by saying yes when we mean no, by taking someone’s shift when we have no capacity left, when we answer work emails at home or on vacation, when we begrudgingly go to a family event we don’t feel safe to attend.

• noticing how we violate our own boundaries doesn’t exonerate others for when they violate our boundaries; it’s just that we actually have control over whether we violate our own boundaries or not. and that is easier said than done because….

#3 Boundary work first requires attachment healing because in order to protect & advocate for our needs, we need to know what our needs are. We need to know what we need to feel safe. These are difficult questions with no easy answer; it is more about asking the question than getting an answer in the beginning. Boundaries clarify and prioritize our needs, being realistic about our needs, desires and limitations.

Doing the Thing

Boundaries are an invitation into deeper relationship, meant to protect connection from the toxicity of enmeshment. Setting boundaries is an act of compassion, love and care, removing the guess work.

1. Write out what you need, using "I" language without blaming

2. Expect the best & prepare for the worst - what will you do if the boundary isn't honoured?

3. Have a pre-boundary conversation about what it'll look like when the boundary is crossed

4. Know when the boundary can be tightened or loosened

We cannot predict the future so boundaries don't have to be set in stone - they don't have to be forever.

Boundaries protect us so as long as we need protecting.

Remember that you can:

• ask for time to think

• change your mind

• just say no without justification

• ask for what you need in a relationship (and expect to have your needs responded to)

Boundaries are not about power, they are fundamentally relational so we can inquire and honour how our boundaries impact the other person without betraying our Selves.