Listening to Shame 🤫
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We’ve internalized shame because there hasn’t been a choice. Messages of being too much, not enough, unworthy, unaccepted are inundated from generational policing, social conditioning, external expectations. If we hear something over and over again, we come to believe it. We hear in so many ways in so many words we aren’t enough. That we must “earn our keep”, that we’re just too burdensome and the people in our lives are doing us a favour being in relationship with us. Shame is a liar, though a convincing one.
Shame wields our most tender nuggets of human-ness against us, as we drift further from our centre, from our authentic self.
Today’s post is an excerpt from my newly released Healing Shame workbook, an accompaniment to the Healing Shame FREE Masterclass. In this free masterclass, we debunk shame spirals and you’ll experience more freedom in authenticity. Learn more by clicking the image.
At the root of our fears is self-betrayal. We give up on our Selves and contort our Selves to match what we expect others want of us - for the sake of image.
We brace for the inevitable rejection because we know ourselves and loathe ourselves - why shouldn't everyone else? We brace for the inevitable rejection because there is a never relenting fear of being found out - imposter syndrome.
We're bound to be exposed for being the contortionist - a manipulator, inauthentic. It was all out of fear. But it's like not asking for someone's name and now you've been talking for 45 minutes and it would be just so excruciatingly awkward to say you don't remember their name now. You've been performing your persona for so long, the people who think they know you only know the persona you've created for them - how will the performance ever end?
We judge ourselves to get ahead of the pain of judgement from others - a misguided, well-intentioned need to protect the Self [no one else ever has]. We judge ourselves because we think that if we hurl the insults first, it won't hurt as much when we hear them from an Other. But it still does. It confirms our deepest fear. That our inner critic was right all along.
This whole cycle is fueled by fear. And we know from neuroscience we cannot make authentic choices when we are afraid - our prefrontal cortex where we make rational, logical decisions connected to our values, morals and ethics is turned off when we're afraid. When we're afraid, we're making decisions for survival. Again, for social beings, acceptance is survival.
So when have you not been afraid? What does it feel like to not live in fear? Do you know?
If you’re ready to transmute shame and integrate your power, it starts with understanding shame. You deserve to leave shame behind. Enrol in this free masterclass to get started.
