Scarcity Pt. 2
To pick up where we last left, scarcity in relationships, we’re going to address today a primary coping we employ in relationships - usefulness. Relationships are vulnerable and therefore unsafe because they are unpredictable. Responsibility is a safe haven compared to the unpredictability of relationships. Both control and responsibility leads to resentment because there is a feeling of powerlessness, of choicelessness - that they HAVE to. So what is it that we’re so afraid of in relationships? We’re afraid of loss. The adage “it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all” is just bullshit. We’re petrified of having love and having that love taken away from us.
We’re so terrified of the grief of heartbreak that we “pre-grieve” an ending before it’s even happened. We exist in the fear the constriction of impending doom, expecting for heartbreak to tear us in two Vulnerability is a harrowing reality to face because it means to be seen (and for those of us with Chiron in Leo or with trauma histories - being seen meant being a target). The etymology of the word “vulnerable” is ‘genital wound’ to ‘pluck or tear’ or to ‘injure or maim’.
To protect our vulnerability, we can become defensive (a natural response when resentment has been stewing). When conscious, this defensiveness can become conscious protection.
So what is it that we fear? The anxiety we feel is a fear of the future and the fear of the future is a fear of the unknown. What is unknown is fearful because it is unfamiliar (we could even say unfamiliaL) so we have no schemas of predictability. Fear creates a believe and that belief creates a purpose (we don’t do things for no reason). The purpose the fear serves then upholds a schema that maintains itself - this schema often sounds like “if I don’t, then ___” and the end of that sentence is our worst fear coming true: being found out, being rejected, being abandoned. The thread of our worst fear leads to constriction and that constriction leads to avoidance but the avoidance only amplifies that fear. But that’s how our worst fears tend to happen anyway. This can be the fear of being wrong (etymology: twisted, crooked, unjust, bitter), the fear of being in trouble (etymology: worry, turmoil, being found out), the fear of being punished (etymology: to chastise, correct, inflict loss, vengencance). When we fear, we shrink away from the experience.
A primary coping strategy we employ is usefulness. Oh, usefulness is such a tantalizing coping strategy for relationships! If we are useful in relationships, we find a *false* certainty because when we are needed, we cannot be rejected - because we are needed. But when we are useful in relationships, we can’t even trust the semblance of certainty we taste because we know it’s based on our usefulness. And when we are loved for what we do, we fear showing who we are (rarely in useful based relationships are we actually vulnerable). When we are needed, we experience the certainty that supposedly staves rejection but we also miss a quintessential human experience of being WANTED, desired, chosen. And when we rely on this coping strategy of usefulness - we end up being used. Through this coping strategy, we make a cosmic trade because we can never trust the love we receive. We know this love is conditional, tied to our usefulness and we set it up that way.
If usefulness as a coping strategy remains unchecked, over time, usefulness morphs into heroism. The Hero Complex and the Saviour Complex (more on that soon too!) are synonymous very simply as viewing people as projects - believing, however subconsciously, that people can / should change in certain predetermined ways according to your own standards of acceptability. There is something very certain in the role of being Hero, the Saviour - in a metaphorical sense, these positions lift you onto a pedestal. And a pedestal is untouchable.
Usefulness is such a promising coping strategy and we have no judgment for our ways of coping - we happen upon them, the best worst choice in constrained agency as we’re trying to find a sense of safety, belonging and meaning in the world (our existential needs as humans). We become “useful” because we are praised for being helpful (and being helpful CAN be a free choice, the motivation here is important. The motivation is often unconscious. Am I being “there” for my friend out of free love, or so I can feel better about expecting her to be there for me? Or, even more subconscious, is being “there” for a friend an expression of a subconscious power dynamic where I can feel better than her by keeping the space open for her to be vulnerable and not sharing about myself? Remember these are subconscious dynamics so we might not be aware of ourselves).
We can clearly see usefulness as a coping strategy in what happens when our efforts to be useful are thwarted - when we spill the water, when we overcook the roast, when we forget to text back. The resounding phrase I hear again and again from clients, friends, family, is “I’m so stupid” or some variation of self-deprecation. You don’t get a therapist in your life without a signature quizzical look, a cock of the head and a sentence that always starts with, “I wonder”. My circles have gotten so accustomed to it they can finish the sentence - they know I’m inviting a reframe, “yes yes I know, is there another way I can say it with less self-judgment?”. My favourite reframe when I drop something or forget something or make a mistake is to exclaim, “Oh how human of me!” It dispels inhumane expectations of perfectionism and allows us to just be.
We are useful because of internalized objectification that we are only “as good” as our helpfulness. To not be useful - to sit and enjoy company, instead of doing dishes or tidying up, is vulnerable. There is an anticipatory expectation of being “disposable” (the self-fulfilling prophecy of usefulness). The imposed expectations of usefulness eventually become self-imposed because if we give people what they want, it feels less violating - it’s another coping strategy to make this coping strategy palatable for the psyche. This creates a freeze trauma response, when the fuse of our nervous system breaks and our body shuts down to “take it”. This freeze trauma response, in conjunction with a usefulness coping strategy, ironically looks like busy-ness. It should seem that busy-ness is the opposite of freeze but there is the same frantic, frenetic energy - to dart through life is still trying not to be seen BUT still maintaining the expectation of usefulness. It’s the constraints of the coping strategy that maintain itself. To be seen (Chiron in Leo) is to be a target and to be targeted, is to be harmed. So best to keep busy, to “earn” my keep, to “prove” I’m not a burden, to make my presence tolerable here.
In usefulness, we are asking for permission to exist. To take up space in our existence. Usefulness as a coping strategy promises it and like a carrot on a string, it’s a promise never fulfilled. Because the thing is, we don’t need permission to exist. We don’t need to prove our worth. We don’t need to be useful or helpful. We exist and therefore. Therefore we are worthy, therefore we can take up space, therefore - the list goes on.
So what to do if usefulness is your coping strategy? I mean, we live under capitalism, so it likely is in some form. Here are some places to start:
Before saying YES to being helpful, ask for time to think. Consider what a FREE yes feels like in your body and what feels like something you can’t say no to. Remember if you say “yes” too soon, you can always change your mind.
Observe your self-deprecation and ask yourself WWES (What Would Emma Say?) - trying exclaiming instead, “how human of me” to remind yourself to have HUMANE expectations for yourself. Offer yourself an apology - you don’t deserve to be called names any more than anyone else.
Experiment with NOT being useful - how else can you find your belonging, meaning and purpose? There will always come a time when you will be unable to be useful, whether you like it or not. How else can you take up space in this cosmos?
Employ mantras like “I am a person” or “I exist” to remind yourself of your humanity before your usefulness. You can write these on your hand, on your mirror, leave a note in your car, or say them out loud - whatever suits your fancy.
Notice how self-objectification and the fear of being disposed of (being disposable) maintain cycles of doing. Bring usefulness into consciousness by asking the people in your life what they expect of you: do they actually expect you to make a five course meal for the holidays or is that self-imposed? Would they love you less if the dishes weren’t done for a day? Could you, even perhaps, ask for help without expectation?
Since usefulness is deeply connected to busyness, set aside time to do Sacred Nothing. Give yourself full permission to do nothing for an extended period. And see what arises - the feelings, the voice that says to “get back to it, there’s so much to be done”, the frantic urgency will all pass. I recommend 1 hour a day but we have to start somewhere - see if you can take 7 minutes of your own life for yourself.
We’ll talk more next time about how usefulness is embedded with persona, people-pleasing, perfectionism and performance - until then, stay human.