She is hungry to be herself.
An Essay for Eating Disorder Awareness
She sits at the edge of the table, plate barely touched, hands curling around the fork as if it were a lifeline and a leash all at once. She tells herself she is hungry but not hungry enough, that the numbers on a scale are more reliable than the warmth of a hand reaching toward her.
The voice is already there.
It is sharp. Efficient. Certain.
Too much.
Not enough.
You don’t deserve more.
Smaller is safer.
The voice sounds like her, but it was built long before she knew how to question it. It was shaped by what was said in the offhanded comments about bodies, about discipline, about willpower. And by what was unsaid in the withheld praise, the love that felt conditional, the silence when she needed reassurance. The inner critic became the translator of that environment, turning ambiguity into instruction. It decided that shrinking was the solution.
Her struggle is never about food itself. Food is a symbol. A mirror. A test. It reflects her relationship with love, with attention, with care, with permission to exist fully. To eat is to receive. To receive is to risk needing. And needing once felt dangerous.
Her psyche is trying to expand, to fill rooms she has been taught to shrink from. She wants to stretch her arms, speak her mind, take up space in ways the world has discouraged. The world has told her that in expanding herself she will be unlovable. And so she tightens. She counts. She controls. She makes herself smaller in the most literal way she can.
It is a strange contradiction: her spirit presses outward while her body pulls inward.
And misogyny hums beneath it all. A culture that tells women to be palatable, to be digestible, to be small enough not to threaten. A hungry woman does not revolt. A woman preoccupied with her reflection is too distracted to question her confinement. When self-image becomes obsession, self-concept is neglected. She studies the mirror instead of studying her own becoming.
The critic reinforces this daily.
If you were thinner, you’d be loved.
If you were smaller, you’d be safe.
If you disappear just a little more, no one will reject you.
But beneath the critic is something softer, more vulnerable. It is a younger part who learned that love could be measured. That affection came after achievement. That approval followed compliance. The critic believes it is protecting her. It believes hunger keeps her in control. It believes shrinking prevents abandonment.
Every avoided bite is not about food. It is a negotiation with love.
Every pang of hunger asks:
Am I allowed to need?
Am I allowed to take up space?
Am I allowed to be fully here?
Eventually, when she is exhausted from obedience, she begins to question the voice. She begins to see that it is not truth, it is history. This is not who she is but a coping strategy to adapt to an environment that was afraid of a woman embodied. The critic was formed from what was said and unsaid, from what was modelled and withheld. It was built to help her survive.
But survival is not the same as living.
Her expansion cannot be measured on a scale. It is measured in the courage to nourish herself. In the audacity to eat without apology. In the willingness to soften the critic and ask what it is trying to protect. In learning that love is not earned through erasure
The work is tender. The work is slow. But as she feeds herself, her body, voice, ambition, appetite, she begins to reclaim what was never meant to be surrendered.
She is not too much.
She was never not enough.
And she does not have to shrink to be loved.
Journal Prompts
What does my inner critic say about my body, worth, or lovability? Whose voice does it resemble and what might it have been trying to protect?
In what ways do I shrink myself (physically, emotionally, relationally) and what am I hoping that shrinking will secure?
If nourishment (food, rest, love, visibility) were truly safe, how would I allow myself to expand?
Support & Resources
If you are struggling with disordered eating or body-related distress, reaching out for support is an act of strength.
National Eating Disorder Information Centre (NEDIC) – 1-866-633-4220 | nedic.ca
National Alliance for Eating Disorders – nationalallianceforeatingdisorders.org
Crisis Text Line – Text HOME to 686868 (Canada & U.S.)
If you’re looking for counselling support with me, you can submit your inquiry here: https://forms.gle/mdQzEgS1Sgv3dnQv5
You are not alone. Support exists. And healing is possible.