Sitting with Grief
The rise of the sun has always been an undeniable constancy, a reminder of the perseverance and faithfulness to fully exist Here. The sun rises in our grief. The sun rises in our suffering. The sun rises in our pain. The sun rises, a beautiful & terrible reminder that life goes on.
The heart chakra is a powerful connector between the mind, body & soul. It is the seat of compassion, love and beauty. It drives transformation, balance and serenity. The heart chakra is blocked by rumination, lack of fundamental trust, isolation and fear. Opening the heart chakra can be manifested by repeating the mantra yahm in the same tone as ohm, incorporating citrine, black onyx, rose quartz or amethyst into your spiritual practice.
There is so much loss in Life. We often live with a certain level of denial of the pain in life, a reminder of our own existential demise. We see this discomfort with pain when someone passes away, our knee-jerk response is, “they’re in a better place”, having no certainty of their souls’ location and simultaneously minimizing the pain of the griever. What is helpful in loss of any kind is a recognition of pain, putting aside our own discomfort, to make space for the hurt, questions and emotions that accompany grief.
My paternal family immigrated to Canada during the Second World War, a haven for my family of Polish-German farmers escaping the occupation.
My paternal grandfather, Leo, was the first death I experienced. At his funeral, I stroked his face and whispered, “I love you”. I set a place for him at the table months after he passed and slept with a photo of him under my pillow in a frame. I loved him and cherished every memory we had together.
As a child, I was not afraid of Death.
Death is the only certain part of Life. Our Fear of Death prevents our Grief.
If you’re grieving death, reflect on what you learned from the person, your favourite memory with them, how you were changed by them. Did part of you die with them? Can you grieve that too?
When did you first learn of death? What was your introduction to death like? How do you relate to death?
Grief honours our loss. Even loss that is not Death.
We can grieve for the ending of friendships, for not being offered the job, for missed dreams, for losing identity.
Grief is not limited to death; we experience grief in the ending of a relationship, romantic or otherwise, a job loss, retirement, deconstruction of faith. Anything that creates an earthquake in our emotional-spiritual lives is sure to experience grief in the after-shock.
If you’re grieving non-death loss, consider your first experience with being uprooted, like moving as a child. When we experience huge changes, especially without our consent (can children consent to huge changes?), it is experienced as a loss. Have compassion for your younger Selves for these upheavals.
Sometimes we even feel waves of grief in “positive” experiences. Moving to a new city, getting married, having children, all fundamentally impact your identity. These affect how you view you, how other people and the world perceive you. Saying “yes” to that One Thing, even an objectively Good Thing, we are automatically saying “no” to other experiences.
That is where the grief lays. Neither reality is better or worse, but part of our autonomous Free Will is choosing both the “yes” and the “no”.
We experience so much grief in our lives and rarely have the opportunity to honour the gravity of that grief. Grief requires Space to acknowledge what could have been, how Life could have been different. Grief stops us unapologetically in our tracks, a sometimes jarring halt to what we have come to consider as ‘normal’. It forces us to address what is, confronts how complacent we may have become. Grief is what arises in the face of loss, even losing the illusion of what was by seeing with clarity behind the curtain.
Once we have made space for grief, we can bring in gratitude for what lessons we can integrate from our experiences, how our circumstances have contributed to our healing and growth. We can honour both the grief and the gratitude of our experiences; they are not mutually exclusive emotions. These emotions are equally valid and hold important information for our decision making. Gratitude does not justify the circumstance but rather acknowledges the impact.
Few things in Life are permanent. People come and go. Circumstances change and shift. A tight grasp does make these things stay. What is meant for a time is meant for a time. We need to learn to let go, to let what is Dying, Die. Perhaps a relationship needs to die. Perhaps perfectionism or other coping strategies need to die. As we let the sun set on what is impermanent, we create Space for the expansion of More. Grief honours the people, the circumstances, the coping, that has been in our Life and gently escorts these impermanent Teachers out.
We do not move on or get over grief. It is not a mountain to ascend. We move through grief. We descend into the mountain of Grief, and we always leave parts of ourself within.
Grief changes us. We are changed by Grief.
Life is full of hope and loss, grief and intimacy, sorrow and longing. These are all invitations from Life itself for us to step into our fullness - without judging or evaluating or even changing.