The Embodied Journey
Harnessing Inner Power
There was a freedom that she’d lost, taking in other peoples’ opinions that told her what she should and shouldn’t do with her body.
She felt her body was really dangerous for a long time. That her body could cause someone to sin, so that they might be sent to hell and die eternally forever. The way that she understood her body for a long time was like a teenage X-Man who doesn’t have control over their powers yet, and they accidentally blow up an island somewhere because they’re still figuring out that they have powers. That’s how she looked at her body: that it was powerful, but she didn’t know that it was good or that it could be harnessed; that it just might send someone to hell by accident.
It felt like her body, for a long time, was not her own. That it was other peoples’ and that it was on loan to her. The same way that she doesn’t bring her library books into the bath because she didn’t want the pages to get wrinkled, almost like she can’t fully be in it because it’s not hers.
She followed the formula that was handed down to her, and it was severely disappointing.
She learned joy or happiness is not as important as other peoples’ comfort. We have to make sure other people are OK, or that we aren’t stepping on other peoples’ toes. Put that in a little box.
She connected more with a ‘fuck you’ attitude of her teenage self, that if her body causes people to stumble, that is their problem, and she doesn’t take responsibility for other people's problems.
She didn’t want to experience more shame for something that she felt really good about.
She now feels like the X-Man has grown up and learned how to harness the power.
Feeling good in her body was like a sigh of relief.
The more that she has been able to connect with her body, the more clarity that she has. She doesn’t have to try as hard to be connected with her body. She doesn’t have to try as hard to be authentic. It’s a lot less precarious; it feels like a more solid foundation to be going out into the world on.
