The Shadow
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Acceptance is a basic need that quintessentially requires fulfilment. It is a survival-based, nonnegotiable need, like food. Acceptance in relationships is essential for our own self-image because we see ourselves primarily through our relationships, like a mirror.
When the choice is between living true to our Selves and belonging, authenticity and attachment, we always choose attachment. We choose attachment until we can no longer not choose authenticity. When we can no longer not be our Selves. The hope is that we have relationships where we can attain both authenticity and attachment, but that is not always possible.
There are many relationships that ask us to hide away parts of our Selves, a conditional acceptance. In these situations where we find our Selves unacceptable, our reaction is usually to contort ourselves through people pleasing, to make ourselves acceptable. It is excruciatingly painful to experience rejection, particularly rejection because of who we are, because our survival is threatened. The mirror in which we see our Selves is cracked.
When our mirror is cracked, it is time to be your own reflection. Turn unconditional acceptance towards your Self. You are the only one who lives your Life. Live it for you, do what is best for You. Others may not understand, or may have different ideas of what your life should look like, but this is your life. You can be unacceptable to others, if it means being acceptable to your Self.
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Our instincts are powerful. There is extensive research on our “gut brain” or gut instinct, having just as much influence as our hearts or our minds in decision making. Our instincts keep us safe and provide the path towards our Calling. In many traditions and systems, we have been conditioned to not trust our instincts because they are dangerous and destructive. But our Body’s job is to meet our needs, including keeping us alive, and our instincts is what facilitates this. We have become indoctrinated to distrust our instincts.
The rejection of our animal instincts do not extinguish them. It simply sublimates these instincts into our Shadow. Our Shadow consists of the fragmented pieces of our identity that were deemed unacceptable. While this different for each individuals’ context, our instincts are generally relegated to the shadow. Rage, for example, is often ostracized to the shadow because there is an engrained social fear that experiencing anger inevitably leads to acting irrationally with that anger. But experiencing anger is not the same as acting with anger.
*check out ways to express your anger in ways that are reflective of your values
Anger is a very necessary emotion, like all emotions, and presents itself to communicate a message, alerting us of an injustice. When rage and other perceived “negative” emotions are hidden only in the shadow, we are not experiencing the fullness of life. We need to invite our shadow Selves to become integrated with the rest of the Self, otherwise we are not living Whole-ly. There is nothing to be afraid of within your Self, simply turn towards these parts with love.
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