Sexuality is in our collective shadow, our cultural devil - we have been taught to repress our desires, to shun our appetite, we have evicted the transformational power of sexuality.
We have suppressed the holiness of sexuality and become afraid of the transformation potential. We are afraid of sexuality because we are afraid of its power.
Our sexuality became our shadow with the rise of rationalism, in the wake of body-mind duality because our sexual urges were too reminiscent of our animal nature - that which we were trying desperately to transcend.
We have been conditioned to reject our most natural desires because systems are afraid of the power of our desires. If we are connected to our desires, we consume less. If we are connected to our desires, we need no priest because we are our own authority, orchestrating our own ceremony in the sacred betwixt & between of the sheets.
*when I say that sexuality is sacred, I don’t mean that it is always ceremonial, meaningful or cosmic with transcendental insights. Sometimes, we just want to get f*cked. Sometimes, we just want tender love. What I mean when I say sexuality is sacred, is it holds potential to bring us closer to our Selves & knowing our Selves is the most sacred path we traverse.
The puritanical obsession with banishing sexuality & desire was not about sex. {it never is} The puritans knew of the transformative power of sexuality, used for a millennia in ancient rites & rituals. To wield power over transformation, to create a population easy to control, was to remove the personal pathway to transformation. The puritans gated up the door of transformative sexuality and instead manufactured a rigid structure to distance our animalistic ways from our collective psyche.
The repression of sexuality has led to an abstinence based approach and with abstinence, we are without ethic. We are atrophied because we have a “just say no”approach instead of developing a sexual ethic.
These are my ethics:
Instead of having our own pathway to transformation, we are disconnected from our desires and turn toward what society SAYS our desires are (ie. what advertising tells us we want). Instead of having our own pathway, we internalize depravity. Integrated sexuality is wholeness, fullness and authenticity. We are our Selves.
The repression of sexuality was not about sex - it was & is about power. {it always is} The puritans knew that connecting sex with shame, people would no longer have access to psychic transformation and require absolution from the shame instilled by the puritans themselves. They were the ultimate charlatans - they created the problem and the solution simultaneously.
Our sexuality is part of our nature. We are sexual beings just as we are animal beings, just as we are conscious beings, just as we are spiritual beings. These are not hierarchal categories - humans are intricate and beautiful paradoxes. We cannot deny our humanity.
*To be clear, while we are all sexual beings, our individual libido fluctuates person to person. And as in many other writings, I’ll reiterate that sexuality is not the act itself but connected intimately to our senses. So even if a person has no libido, no sexual urges, they are still connected to their sensations. To the softness of a warm blanket, to be enveloped in the soft falling water of the shower, to feel the wind circulating around every inch of their skin, to feel the refreshing flow of water as it cascades from the mouth all the way through the inner body, to feel fingers gently caress through their hair. All of this is sexuality.
CW - Sexual Violence {the next 7 paragraphs address sexual violence & healing}
Sexuality is powerful in its transformative capacity but in as much sexuality can heal and bring together disparate parts of our Selves, its power can be misused. When the power of sexuality is used to tyrannize, the power to heal is subverted to destroy.
In my own experiences of sexual violence, the violation reverberated in every cell of my body, as if She were rejecting a blood transfusion - if the source of transfusion were shame, not blood. Shame is what coursed through my veins for years and it was not my shame. The shame of perpetrator after perpetrator was discharged into my psyche and I became the holder of their shame.
As with many survivors, I came to blame myself for these trespassers. It was easier to live in a world where I believed I caused my trauma because at least I could delude myself to believe I could prevent it from happening again. It was too disorienting to live in a world where my body could be invaded again and again because if I didn’t cause my trauma, I had no way of preventing it.
Sexuality was always a trap for my body - there was so much expansion brewing, but I never let it breach the surface because I was afraid. I was afraid of myself, my own body. I was afraid of my own power. She had become my own devil, an uncontainable toxin, a lion roaming the earth. The holiness of my body was distorted to be perceived as evil. Of course, She never was. She was merely a god suppressed.
In my own healing journey, I have recognized the dualistic nature of sexuality. Within its great, transformative power, it holds an equal power to create and destroy. What is created in a sexual encounter (with the Self or with an Other) is god. God, in this sense being Wholeness, Harmony, Fullness. What is destroyed is an equal & opposite.
Sexuality is not all good - it does have a creeping darkness & can be grossly missed. But sexuality is not all bad either - it holds incredible wisdom about our Bodies, our internal Universe & we can see our Selves more clearly in its rays of holiness.
If Gods suppressed become devils, then to free our devils, we must see god within them. We must see god within our Selves.
CW complete - it’s safe to read on!
If you’ve experienced trauma, we have to titrate to be able to enjoy good things, to feel pleasure without shame. Here’s how:
Sexuality Whole-istic experience & I particularly enjoy viewing sexuality through the traditions of Tantra and Sex Magick. You certainly can have different experiences and thoughts on sexuality, this is only one perspective.
Sexuality is a powerful experience, with manifesting force and activating holistic healing energy.
Sexuality is often reduced to specific acts, particularly heteronormative penetrative intercourse but encompasses much more depth. Sexuality is about senses, not about acts.
Sexuality, from a tantric tradition, is meant to expand our energy, generate and express intimacy in a Whole-istic connected path that weaves together the physical and spiritual, the human with the Divine. The purpose is to become One with the Divine {who is you - it is oneness with your Self}.
In Sex Magic, the power of orgasm is channelled simultaneously with a visualization, in an intention to manifest that desire. Your creative power is expressed in sexuality, harnessing the life force energy of sexuality of an aligned Being.
I often get asked what Integrated Sexuality looks like for asexual folks and I have a very simple answer {that of course varies from person to person because our experiences are so unique and beautiful}.
Sexuality is connected to our senses. It is sensuality. Playing with your hair, feeling a soft blanket on your skin. There is nothing inherently more sexual between feeling the water during a bath or receiving oral sex from a partner.
Sensuality is about enjoying the sensation of pleasure, of being in ecstasy with every moment. Of course, enjoying pleasure sounds like it should be easy enough but enjoyment cannot coexist with shame.
Sensuality is what connects us with our Bodies, it brings us in communion with the Divinity in our physical bodies. Sensuality is grounded in Embodiment, an experience of rapture being in our Bodies. It is not about orgasm, it is about the experience of pleasure. It is about release. It is a channel of our inner libido, our life force energy. The purpose of sexuality is conscious union with our Selves.
Conscious union is not about having Gregorian chants guide you into simultaneous orgasm with the smoke of incense mixing with silk sheets that enshroud the star-crossed lovers. Conscious union is bringing together the physical experience with the emotional bonds to manifest an intimate encounter with a whole inner self, the spirituality of sexuality. It is about your intention aligning with your action.
A one-night stand can be conscious union, a booty call can be a conscious union, masturbation can be conscious union, mutual masturbation can be conscious union. The act itself is not nearly as important as if it is done with the true intention. This intention must reflect our inner truth, not an external standard.
If your intention is to orgasm and your booty call gets you there, fantastic - that is intention aligned with action. If your intention is to be embodied in the process and your rabbit vibrator gets you there, fantastic - that is intention aligned with action. Know your values and integrate your intention.
Sexuality becomes unbalanced when we deny our sexual desires, when we experience shame for our sexual appetite. Our appetite isn’t good or bad - it simply IS. Sexuality becomes unbalanced when we begin to objectify ourselves and others, to experience the Fullness of union without a sacred intention. Sexuality becomes unbalanced when we experience fear over its power, rather than being taught how to harness that power. Sexuality becomes unbalanced when we dissociate from our inner experience and use sexuality as a distraction, rather than an expression. Either end of the pendulum is not Good, because both denies a crucial aspect to embodied sexuality.
Sexuality is good, it is a creative, powerful, integrative experience that deserves our Presence, our Energy and our commitment to holistic practice.
To integrate your sexuality, try participating in sensual rituals. Lay on the floor, or have a bath and feel your Body connected to the water, to the ground. Allow yourself to experience pleasure in small ways, such as savouring a delicious bite of food, breathing in the morning air. Engage in non-sexual physical touch with yourself {we often only touch ourselves for sex & that can lead to self-objectification} and with partner(s). Give and receive massages, notice how each experience differs for you. Stare into your own eyes, stare into the eyes of your lover(s). Notice how each experience differs for you. Click the post below for more ways to be present with what is.
Videos
Erotic Intelligence: The paradox of Intimacy and Sexuality - Esther Perel
Reading
What You Really Really Want - Jacqueline Freeman
Healing Sex - Staci Haines
Meditation
Sexual Healing Meditation - Margot Anand