To all the selves I've been before
To all the selves I've been before
+ practical tips for authenticity
I wrote my eulogy over ten years ago.
I wasn't dying but I was changing. The transformation had no corresponding rite of passage but I could feel I was a different person - that I was becoming unrecognizable to the people who knew me before. I wish I could say at this point I was becoming more authentic, but the truth I wasn't. At least, not yet.
I was simply trading one mask for another, exchanging scripts but I was no more free. I was dutiful.
At every turn, I stuffed parts of myself away, crammed traits and desires into the dusty corners of my psyche. I was hoarding emotions I didn't dare acknowledge, hiding what I learned was unlikeable. I was obedient.
It worked. I could make this work.
This is how our persona (the masks we perform for acceptance) creates and maintains our shadow (the parts of ourself we learn are unacceptable).
When I first heard of the shadow, I pictured an evil, man-eating dragon - a scary part of me that *deserved to be repressed. But the shadow is part of us and we don't need to be afraid of ourselves.
The shadow is more often our softness, our desire, our creativity, our individuality because these are the aspects that make us unique, that make us powerful. The attributes that make you YOU also tend to be the traits that are targets of repression. If you aren't connected to yourself, you'll find that connection outside of you - through religion, consumerism, and other forms of dogmatism.
For me, the fear of the shadow was the fear of the unknown. In the roles I dutifully fulfilled in my life, there was a script. I knew what was expected of me and I knew how to fulfill those obligations. There was certainty, predictability, consistency - the illusion of safety. But anything that requires self-abandonment isn't really safe, is it?
Accepting my shadow required me to trust in the unknown - myself.
Our body's, our psyches, cannot tolerate fracturing for long - we crave wholeness. And repression takes energy - it's draining to keep the closet of our psyche stuffed full of parts we long to rid ourselves of. The pendulum will swing inevitably from one end to the other, in hopes to settle in the middle.
We USE energy by repressing part of ourselves but the shadow can GIVE more energy, more vitality, if we can channel it well.
The more we accept ourselves, the more energy we have to create the life we want. In order to accept ourselves, we must first know ourselves.
Knowledge and acceptance are the pre-requisites to love. We are often sold the idea of self-love with quick fixes or expensive treatments but self-love is a natural overflow. Our relationship with ourselves is just like any other relationship - it requires time, effort, curiousity, and shared experiences. We have to spend time with ourselves to know ourselves, and the more time we spend, the more we accept ourselves.
We don't automatically know our partner takes their coffee or our best friends' favourite dessert but we learn these with experience. The more we know someone, the more familiar they are, and love begins to grow through the safety of comfort.
I wrote my eulogy ten years ago to honour the end of a self that wasn’t true. Through that grief, I discovered a self that had been waiting to be expressed. The fears of the unknown were only allayed by creating familiarity with myself.
Very practically, this looked like:
Taking myself on elaborate dates once a month to a fancy restaurant where I would order appetizers, entrée, dessert and a fancy mocktail. I practiced being present with myself and the flavours I was experiencing. I asked for gift cards to restaurants I wanted to try for my birthday and Christmas to make this a reasonable ritual.
Journalling literally everyday - even if it was only one word. Relationships require listening and journalling is my way of having dialogue. One of my favourite ways to journal began with driving around and recording voice notes as I talked to myself. I never listened to the recording but there was something more intentional about recording it that made it feel like a dialogue.
Along the same lines of listening, I prioritized times in stillness, solitude and silence. Particularly for me, a lot of my life is loud - between work, to-do lists and obligations, creating time and space where there was the Sacred Nothing was and is essential. Sometimes this was driving in silence, drinking tea in silence (not even background music) or having a day where I laid in bed literally all day.
Creating lists about what I did know about myself. In my A5 wire coil notebooks with elaborate florals on the cover, I have lists entitled:
What I love about myself
Who I want to become
Questions I'm sitting with
Things I'm confused about
Things I've learned
My favourite things
What I think about love
Things I'm powerful at
Things I'm nervous about
What I'm thankful for
How I would describe me
How others would describe me
What is true about me
What I like / don't like
Characteristics I have that I like
Who I am
Ideal Life
What is essential to me?
What is original to me?