Unconscious Power Dynamics
Waking Up to Own our Personal Power
Power dynamics are happening all the time around us, whether we are conscious of them or not.
When power dynamics are being enacted unconsciously, we are often engaging in pattern repetition from our early experiences, transposing past dynamics onto present circumstances. It is a way for our body to find wholeness and healing, to have a corrective experience but because these dynamics are happening unconsciously, we can end up prolonging our suffering.
An unconscious power dynamic is best seen in the service industry. A person has worked a long day in a job where they might feel powerless and be going to a restaurant because capitalism requires our intimate connections to be public (if a couple goes out for dinner, they are more visible to get the social accolades of competing for experiences than sharing an intimate, screen-free dinner at home). Restaurants are actually such an interesting vortex because food represents mothers’ love so when an order is incorrect, the overreaction service industry folks endure is because it is not just about the food, it is about all of the times that person felt unknown, not seen, misunderstood by their primary caregiver. This in no way justifies their mistreatment of restaurant staff but it is context. Context allows curiosity; context doesn’t nullify impact.
So the power dynamic being expressed with such vitriol at a restaurant is because the powerlessness the customer experiences in their everyday life (at work, in dissatisfying relationships) must be compensated because our bodies are always searching for equilibrium, for homeostasis, a sense of inner balance.
Where there is a lack, we naturally compensate.
If my left knee is injured, my right knee will compensate for that lack. Where we are powerless in one area of our life, we compensate by exploiting power elsewhere. This is the classic idea that bullies are themselves bullied. Again, this in no way justifies the power OVER behaviour, but it does lend insight to the root.
Unconscious power dynamics happen all the time at work, where we rebel against our superiors by complaining about them to our peers but rarely do we actually confront these dynamics to the person in power. We simply leave the job disgruntled AF and carry on the pattern repetition until we have the space to wake up to the unconscious dynamic. Unconscious power dynamics happen all the time in relationships too. Our parents are used to being in power, holding wisdom and authority in our life and as we start to develop our own inner authority, there can be a tightening of grip OR a premature release from our parents as they come into contact with a fear of being useless and not needed. Parents can resent the freedom you have because they had to walk the tightrope of social expectations so precariously and it might feel unfair or invalidate their pain that you get to create your own life - a sovereign right we should all have.
Where we have an unmet need, a lack is created. Where there is lack, there is a natural compensation.
This is a natural process for which there is no judgement. Unmet needs simply remain unmet - our psyche brilliantly sublimates the unmet need to try to get it met through these unconscious pattern repetitions, hoping that one of these times, the need will be met.
A classic example of this process of meeting an unmet need is the trope of “a woman with daddy issues”. All that is an unmet childhood need being very creatively met in adulthood. The thing is, when we are trying to unconsciously get an unmet need met retroactively we are almost always disappointed because it isn’t quite what we need. And we can’t go back in time to give you what you needed at the time. The problem isn’t with the attempt to meet an unmet need, it is simply a matter of consciousness. Unconscious pattern repetition leads to retraumatization - consciously meeting an unmet need leads to a corrective experience. Integrating the unmet need of paternal validation (that carries a different weight within a patriarchal culture) into the playground of sexuality can have potent healing transformation - when we are aware and consciously involved in the process.
When unconscious power dynamics are at play, unconscious pattern repetition has taken hold and we are unconsciously trying to meet a previously unmet need, we become like a plastic bag being tossed haphazardly about by the wind. It feels like life is happening TO us, not that we are active agents in our life, but that the winds of chaos will toss us about to and fro.
Unconscious power dynamics can feel like we are victimized by our life.
Let me beak down that word, victimized. We feel victimized by our life when it feels like life happens to us, that we don’t have control over our life. Part of that is true because there are few things we do actually have “control” over - life does happen. There are times when we are actively making our life harder by holding ourselves hostage to expectations that are not authentic to us: does wearing makeup actually make your life better or do you just succumb to pressure to not look tired even though you are exhausted by life?
peek over here at this IG post about the different types of suffering
oppressive, unnecessary & necessary
There are very real times we experience victimization in our life - trauma is inherently a nonconsensual power dynamic that we in no way participate in or invite, the function of trauma is that is in an invasion that changes how we experience our Selves, others and the world. The injustice in trauma is multiplicitous - one major element of injustice with trauma is the responsibility of healing is yours and that is fundamentally unfair to be responsible to heal non-consensual wounds, wounds you didn’t even want in the first place. The impacts of trauma on unconscious power dynamics are deep.
Since trauma is an experience of power OVER, we can (with the best of intentions to create a sense of safety) mistake power as the problem. Power OVER is the problem, but power itself is not. So when we come into contact with our own power (given a promotion at work, experience unconditional acceptance from a partner, have space to choose a more authentic life), we play hot potato with our own sense of personal power. We learned through trauma that power=harm and since we don’t want to cause harm to others (certainly not after we have endured so much pain ourselves), we throw our power to the ground, hoping the ember will be extinguished. But power isn’t actually the problem - it is, in fact, the solution. In trauma, we are robbed of our power so our healing is re-integrating our power.
In the process of healing, power is a bridge that can feel like an obstacle. Since I have experienced powerlessness in trauma, my psyche will unconsciously have a pattern repetition of powerlessness. Let me be so clear here - this is not my fault because it is happening unconsciously and it is such a normal trauma response and trauma is inherently nonconsensual. And also, these patterns of powerlessness persist long after the traumatic event. Particularly following polytraumatization (the experience of multiple traumas occurring consecutively), we experience powerlessness as normal and safe (not because it is) because it is FAMILIAR. We naturally mistake familiarity for safety. Which brings us back to “women with daddy issues” who are simply recreating a familiar powerless dynamic they experienced in childhood because it is familiar. In familiarity, we know our role, what is expected of us and we find solace in the familiar.
Self-blame is so common with experiences of trauma because it is the only sense of certainty and POWER that we have in an otherwise powerless situation. If I can adhere to the *false* belief that I somehow caused my trauma (I didn’t), then that means there’s something I can do to stop trauma from happening again (there isn’t). In exonerating myself from being implicated in my trauma, I end up experiencing more powerlessness because that means trauma can happen to me again. And it can. Because trauma fundamentally happens outside of our control. That’s the whole point. We can steep in self-blame to circumvent the reality that trauma can happen again and this just ends up prolonging our suffering by blaming ourselves for pain we never consented to.
The response to our trauma can also impact our experience of power. If my pain wasn’t seen, honoured and validated at the time, my unmet need of being protected following powerlessness remains. That’s why the unconscious pattern repetition takes hold where our psyche unconsciously magnetizes powerlessness in different degrees in an attempt to seek a corrective experience - to be protected, held, seen and validated. Our psyche is doing the best they can to find safety and this pattern repetition is no fault of our own. Since this pattern is being repeated unconsciously though, retraumatization occurs instead of a corrective experience. A corrective experience requires consciousness.
The process of coming into consciousness (the “waking up” out of the poppy field haze before finding the Emerald City) is becoming a tree where we are rooted in ourselves and cannot be tossed haphazardly - though our branches still bend to the wind. The process of coming into consciousness is to find the eye of the storm, to become aware of these power dynamics instead of feeling like a plastic bag being tossed about by the wind.
For trauma survivors, unconscious power dynamics can feel very disorienting and triggering because it is the same energetics of trauma. Even if the current situation is safe, the energetics are the same so we can transpose past experiences onto present circumstances, known psychologically as projection. Differentiating what we are responsible FOR and what are responsible TO is crucial as we relate to power dynamics more consciously. We are responsible FOR our Selves - to meet our own needs, to honour our own boundaries (we are the most prevalent violator of our boundaries). We are responsible TO respond to the needs of those we are in relationship with (note it is not our responsibility to actually MEET those needs, simply to respond), to honour the boundaries of others.
We have to start moving towards conscious power dynamics because power dynamics happen all the time, whether we are conscious of them or not. Power is not a “bad” thing, it is not synonymous with exploitation or corruption. Sex is a fiercely powerful experience that brings both protection and nurturance but is not inherently exploitive or corrupt. Sex can be painful when the wisdom & limits of our body aren’t honoured or when people project their own expectations, shame and fear but sex in itself is a neutral experience - it is not good or bad. It’s both.
Notice how these power dynamics interplay with consent and transactionalism. There is a power dynamic with my tattoo artist because I am paying her for a service that I consent to so the transactionalism is very conscious. There is a power dynamic with my clients because I know everything about them and they know nothing about me and they are paying me for a service that should be integrated in a collective culture. I intentionally create space for consent because their vulnerability deserves to be protected.
Notice times you have felt most powerful, most alive. What does power feel like in your body? What is your felt experience with power - do you trust it? Do you trust yourself with power? Start tracing power dynamics as you encounter them throughout your daily life. Welcome the clarity of waking up to who and how you naturally are.