I resonate with so much of this, Emma. Thank you for your hard fought and well crafted words. My issue is that I do not know when I feel safe or how to tell if I feel safe. I spent most of my life thinking I always felt safe… But I have since realized that what I actually felt was that I could handle anything that came my way. Not safety at all! So, how can I tell if I am safe or am feeling safe?
Josh, this is probably my favourite question I’ve ever received. You’re distinguishing between the perception of safety and the reality of safety - this is one of the most profounds differentiations we can make.
What you're describing you’ve had sounds like resiliency (the capacity to bounce back from negative experiences) but you're right - that isn't safety. When you're BRACING to withstand anything, you're expecting violation to happen - you're right, that isn't safe.
The first thing I like to do is address the language we use. It’s important we make a distinction for your body because FEELING safe is the goal for your body but we’re trying to decipher that from what is a familiar BRACING for you. So what you’re asking, if I’m following, is how can you tell if you’re SAFE or if your body is recreating a coping strategy of bracing to withstand.
The biggest thing you’ll notice as a difference between true safety and bracing is in your body. True safety is a surrender, a relaxation, an opening. Bracing is tension, defensive, alert. There’s a few cues I like to notice.
- When I’m feeling safe, the space between my eyebrows is relaxed.
- When I’m bracing, my toes are curled or tense.
- When I’m feeling safe, my belly is relaxed and soft.
- When I’m bracing, I’m unconsciously squeezing my pelvis.
- When I’m feeling safe, I can trace breath through my body like the feeling of drinking cool water on a warm day.
- When I’m bracing, I can feel my shoulders hunched and curled inward.
- When I’m feeling safe, my peripheral vision is clear.
- When I’m bracing, I drop things and have butter fingers.
- When I’m feeling safe, I have the lung capacity to be able to take deep breaths.
- When I’m bracing, everything feels more urgent, thoughts are faster, there’s pressure.
- When I'm feeling safe, I can feel my jaw relax, soften, unhinge.
Your answer to this question, what is actual safety and what is the feeling of safety, is also unique to you. Because what you need to feel safe or to be safe is based on your body’s somatic memories.
For you to answer this question for yourself, we can take what I call are field notes. When you’re actually safe, you’ll be able to “pull back” and become the observer, reflect on your experience. If you’re recreating a coping strategy of bracing, you’ll feel a block - the tunnel vision of bracing won’t allow you to step back because stepping back is vulnerable. So if you have the capacity to ask & answer these questions, you’re probably feeling safe.
1. Do you remember a time when you felt 100% safe in the moment? Even for a millisecond?
1. A benchmark for me is fourth-day-vacation-vibes; the feeling of utter relaxation, timelessness and a present contentment. Using those words, I can recall moments I felt ONE of those things even - present contentment looking out at the river on a warm summers day, timelessness working on a painting for hours on end, utter relaxation floating in the pool (even for 3 minutes).
2. In that memory, how did you know it was safety you felt, not bracing? What body sensations did you notice? What pace was your body moving? Were you alone or with others?
3. Based on how your body was feeling, when have you felt THAT or a smaller version of THAT? This allows us to create that somatic memory of safety and distinguish for your body - “no, no - THIS is safety.”
This is really nuanced and important work. Our definitions of safety are always being refined with more and more clarity, the more we work with our bodies. It isn’t as black-and-white as SAFE vs. COPING because our coping is familiar to us. It takes time to refine our definition of safety. I like to say it’s more about sitting with the question than it is about arriving at an answer. So sit with the question - what is safety to me?
All the best in your safety journey! Keep me posted how your body communicates to you!
Wow. I felt a lot of love and care from your reply and attention. Thank you.
I think instead of BRACING, I would use the term "AMPING UP" or "POWERING UP" - but it definitely feels (as you mentioned) like tension, defensiveness, alert (and includes no room for weakness or vulnerability). Your words "surrender, relaxation, and opening" have not historically felt enticing or safe to me. I am re-wiring that slowly. I have done some imaginative safe space/relaxation/gentle hypnosis and that is helping me have some imagination around safety and what it might feel like in my body. Your list of somatic cues is amazing. Some of them I can intentionally experience (when I am all alone, with the door locked) but I have yet to experience any of them spontaneously (at least not that I have been conscious of.) or in the presence of another person.
I have difficulty with memory, so I don't have "safe" memories to go back to. I have experienced timelessness and contentment pretty often when songwriting- but I am more alert and engaged and less relaxed in those moments.
I have written your question "What is safety to me?" down in my journal and will sit with that, and hopefully develop my own lexicon of somatic cues of safety in my own body. Thanks again for your engagement with my question.
I resonate with so much of this, Emma. Thank you for your hard fought and well crafted words. My issue is that I do not know when I feel safe or how to tell if I feel safe. I spent most of my life thinking I always felt safe… But I have since realized that what I actually felt was that I could handle anything that came my way. Not safety at all! So, how can I tell if I am safe or am feeling safe?
Josh, this is probably my favourite question I’ve ever received. You’re distinguishing between the perception of safety and the reality of safety - this is one of the most profounds differentiations we can make.
What you're describing you’ve had sounds like resiliency (the capacity to bounce back from negative experiences) but you're right - that isn't safety. When you're BRACING to withstand anything, you're expecting violation to happen - you're right, that isn't safe.
The first thing I like to do is address the language we use. It’s important we make a distinction for your body because FEELING safe is the goal for your body but we’re trying to decipher that from what is a familiar BRACING for you. So what you’re asking, if I’m following, is how can you tell if you’re SAFE or if your body is recreating a coping strategy of bracing to withstand.
The biggest thing you’ll notice as a difference between true safety and bracing is in your body. True safety is a surrender, a relaxation, an opening. Bracing is tension, defensive, alert. There’s a few cues I like to notice.
- When I’m feeling safe, the space between my eyebrows is relaxed.
- When I’m bracing, my toes are curled or tense.
- When I’m feeling safe, my belly is relaxed and soft.
- When I’m bracing, I’m unconsciously squeezing my pelvis.
- When I’m feeling safe, I can trace breath through my body like the feeling of drinking cool water on a warm day.
- When I’m bracing, I can feel my shoulders hunched and curled inward.
- When I’m feeling safe, my peripheral vision is clear.
- When I’m bracing, I drop things and have butter fingers.
- When I’m feeling safe, I have the lung capacity to be able to take deep breaths.
- When I’m bracing, everything feels more urgent, thoughts are faster, there’s pressure.
- When I'm feeling safe, I can feel my jaw relax, soften, unhinge.
Your answer to this question, what is actual safety and what is the feeling of safety, is also unique to you. Because what you need to feel safe or to be safe is based on your body’s somatic memories.
For you to answer this question for yourself, we can take what I call are field notes. When you’re actually safe, you’ll be able to “pull back” and become the observer, reflect on your experience. If you’re recreating a coping strategy of bracing, you’ll feel a block - the tunnel vision of bracing won’t allow you to step back because stepping back is vulnerable. So if you have the capacity to ask & answer these questions, you’re probably feeling safe.
1. Do you remember a time when you felt 100% safe in the moment? Even for a millisecond?
1. A benchmark for me is fourth-day-vacation-vibes; the feeling of utter relaxation, timelessness and a present contentment. Using those words, I can recall moments I felt ONE of those things even - present contentment looking out at the river on a warm summers day, timelessness working on a painting for hours on end, utter relaxation floating in the pool (even for 3 minutes).
2. In that memory, how did you know it was safety you felt, not bracing? What body sensations did you notice? What pace was your body moving? Were you alone or with others?
3. Based on how your body was feeling, when have you felt THAT or a smaller version of THAT? This allows us to create that somatic memory of safety and distinguish for your body - “no, no - THIS is safety.”
This is really nuanced and important work. Our definitions of safety are always being refined with more and more clarity, the more we work with our bodies. It isn’t as black-and-white as SAFE vs. COPING because our coping is familiar to us. It takes time to refine our definition of safety. I like to say it’s more about sitting with the question than it is about arriving at an answer. So sit with the question - what is safety to me?
All the best in your safety journey! Keep me posted how your body communicates to you!
Wow. I felt a lot of love and care from your reply and attention. Thank you.
I think instead of BRACING, I would use the term "AMPING UP" or "POWERING UP" - but it definitely feels (as you mentioned) like tension, defensiveness, alert (and includes no room for weakness or vulnerability). Your words "surrender, relaxation, and opening" have not historically felt enticing or safe to me. I am re-wiring that slowly. I have done some imaginative safe space/relaxation/gentle hypnosis and that is helping me have some imagination around safety and what it might feel like in my body. Your list of somatic cues is amazing. Some of them I can intentionally experience (when I am all alone, with the door locked) but I have yet to experience any of them spontaneously (at least not that I have been conscious of.) or in the presence of another person.
I have difficulty with memory, so I don't have "safe" memories to go back to. I have experienced timelessness and contentment pretty often when songwriting- but I am more alert and engaged and less relaxed in those moments.
I have written your question "What is safety to me?" down in my journal and will sit with that, and hopefully develop my own lexicon of somatic cues of safety in my own body. Thanks again for your engagement with my question.